I love people. I like to be around people and getting to know their background. I like sitting down with a person and listen to their view on the world, Jesus, and whatever else. But i have come to a shocking realization in my own life that i think many people can resonate with. I am absolutely terrified for someone to truly know me. If you know me at all, you will be able to see that i usually dont blog or journal about something in length unless i have wrestled through it for some time. This is one of those times. It seems as though every sermon i hear, passage i read, or person i talk to all at some point or another turn or point toward true community.
I just started Seminary about a month ago and i am really enjoying it so far. One of the things that is required of students is the involvement in a Spiritual Formations group. Basically its a community group (there is that word again) where we meet together and talk about struggles, thoughts, and offer encouragement to one another. So needless to say, the theme of community has been a reoccurring thing in my life for some time now. I was just slapped in the face with this today that i am in desperate need to be lifted up at times. The past few years i have been in a ministry position and i was constantly investing in students lives and offering my two cents and prayers. I have a questoin: When did we get to the point where we have to act like we have it all together?
I just had one of the sweetest, Christ centered moments with a friend of mine. His name is Robert and we have been friends for about 3 years. I admire him because i can see that he truly loves Jesus. I was telling him that sense i moved to Dallas i have been really uneasy. For the first time in my life i am starting to struggle with the sin of worry and anxiety… as if Jesus, the sovereign ruler doesn’t know what he is doing. I told Robert my struggles: worry, anxiety, financial stress, balancing school, work, fiancee, family, and friends (not necessarily in that order). I am at a completely different place right now than i have ever been before. The kicker is… I know that no matter what I will have all i need in Christ, that he will meet my needs and that he is trust worthy! But I knew all these things! I didnt feel like i needed any type of brother or sister to tell me that because i know these things! But something happened tonight.. although i knew this truth, hearing come from Robert’s mouth totally knocked me on my butt.
Robert told me that in those moments where you feel anxious, when you don’t know how you are going to make ends meet, when you dont have a stocked refrigerator and you might have to sacrifice a meal that you find what you really need. See i have fooled myself into thinking security is ultimate. I have made a little god out of being financially stable with no worry of where money for food is going to come from. Now granted i am still very blessed. I am still richer than the majority of the worlds population where an entire family lives on $3 a day. Not saying that boastfully… i just recognize that i could be a lot worse off. What is really sweet about this is since i began struggling with these things, when i get in my Word it is a sweet time between be and Jesus. God is showing me that although i may not be as comfortable as i would like, he is everything that i need! What better way is there to teach me that he is sufficient than to strip me of some luxuries in order that he might show me the glorious riches of his grace? There is none!
Through true, genuine community i learned that i am in desperate need of community. It is okay if i am not okay. It is okay if i have struggles. It is through my struggles that God has shown me that i may not have much… but i have him! So for the season, or for the rest of my life (however long God chooses to allow me to stay in this spot), I will continually be reminded of God’s mercy. What once looked so horrible to me, financial insecurity, has become a warm blanket of God’s mercy to my soul.